As heard on the 1XX Breakfast Show with Colin Magee.
I really had nothing to do with it. Certainly, I did not plan it.
But I learned that I had no choice about it. I was dead.
Despite my misgivings, I did not want to disappoint anybody.
I showed up for it. I was on time, too. I didn't want to keep
anybody waiting.
Shortly, the funeral took place. Many people attended it.
Although a lot were friends, I believe most people attended
just to make sure that I was gone.
After they put me in the casket, I lay still and did not say a word.
After a lifetime of words and deeds, I thought this would make
a good impression on everybody.
Then, they wheeled me into the chapel. Inside stood big
bouquets of flowers. This really surprised me.
When I was alive, I had never received so much as a tulip from anyone. A brief funeral oration followed. I think it was brief for a reason.
Anything too lengthy would have been too unbelievable.
Most important, the minister was very kind with his comments.
Maybe I should have gotten to know him better during life.
I had not heard such laudatory praise since the day I was born.
However, I wondered. How did everyone else miss all that was so obvious about me?
Of course, the attendees included my ex-wife. Normally, a funeral is a rather somber affair where everyone tries hard to forget everything bad they know about you. But, my ex-wife had a different view of it.
After all, how many people attend someone's funeral
and smiles at everyone?
A pianist nearby the coffin played some very soft tunes. I don't think
I recall any of them on the "Top Ten." Now, I wish she had asked me about the selection of songs. I could have recommended "Rock 'n Roll Heaven" or something like that.
The funeral did not last long. Maybe everyone was eager to put me away. I really don't know. Or, maybe it was their conscious.
Funerals have a way of making people feel guilty about themselves.
A few more moments passed in silence. I think this was time for everyone to wonder when it would be over. Then, a Hearse carried me to the cemetery. The procession also included a police escort.
I don't know why the police need to guard a dead person. Maybe they just show up to let people know that you did not get away from them.
When we arrived at the cemetery, the minister tossed some dirt on the coffin. Now, I had real doubts about the earlier praise. Was the dirt really what they thought of me?
Finally, a 21-gun salute. If people were asleep, they weren't now.
This woke up everybody. While this is an honour at any funeral,
I had some doubts about it, too. It sounded a little too celebratory.
Another moment, I was underneath the dirt.
Although the experience taught me a lot about funerals and death,
I still have a lot of doubts about it. But I'll get over it I'm sure.
I have a long time to think about it.
My experience taught me something else, too.
There's nothing like your own funeral.
You don't want to miss it!